Blood and more blood

First I want to warn you that I will be posting a picture of my stitches. If you're squeamish, turn back now. You've had a fair warning.

A few weeks ago I bought what I thought was a good investment. I'm not so sure about that now. It is called a chef's envy and I got it for pretty cheep with lots of extras. I had only used it a few times but when I used it I loved it. Until yesterday.

I decided to have salad for dinner when I got off work. While my kids were whining that they didn't want salad I was getting everything out and ready for it. I had everything out and just needed to start cutting the cucumber. So when you use this dangerous contraption you secure what you're cutting into the "cowboy hat." There are little prongs to keep whatever you're killing in place, and the top moves up and down so you can push everything closer to the blade with each swipe.

Here's the cowboy hat from the top.



So you can see what I'm talking about. It looks like a hat. So underneath I had stabbed the cucumber and was sliding the whole thing across the blade:



And just for the hell of it, here are the two together for those of you who need a visual.



So I was slicing away, going pretty fast thinking I was all cool that I was going to slice a whole cucumber in under a minute. Then you can probably guess what happened. I cut my finger. For whatever reason, the blade decided just at that moment that it didn't want to be sharp anymore so the cucumber stopped halfway through the slice while my hand kept going.

At first I thought it was just a little cut, maybe like a papercut. It didn't even start bleeding for a little bit and my brain hadn't processed that a hunk of my flesh was gone. Then it started hurting like I cut my whole finger off and the blood started pouring out so fast I couldn't get a good look at how bad I hurt myself. I did what I could to keep myself calm because I didn't want to freak out in front of the girls and scare them to death. I put a napkin on my finger and squeezed it while it was above my head. I needed another napkin quickly and I waited about 5 minutes to get it to stop bleeding but it didn't even slow down. I sent my oldest daughter downstairs to tell my mom that I needed her to watch my kids so I could go to the hospital because it was late enough that all the urgent care places were closed.

But instead of driving myself, my mom drove me while my dad watched the kids. The people at the hospital asked me over and over how it happened. Like they didn't believe me, or they couldn't believe that someone could get hurt in the kitchen. It got really annoying. Then the ER doctor came to look at my finger and he started squeezing it which almost brought me to tears. Finally they came and gave me a shot to numb my finger. I've been through 4 pretty traumatic and painful csections so I'm pretty good with pain. I would rather have another csection than to cut myself again. It is painful, so very painful. After they got me numb they took their time. They had someone come clean it and wrap it up to wait to get my stitches.

Then about an hour after that the nurse came in and undid the wrap and told me the doctor was going to be in soon. She should have checked with the doctor because I sat there bleeding all over for the next 20 minutes. Since I was numb I didn't mind waiting all that much but without the bandage on I couldn't keep my hand above heart level without getting blood everywhere. So after bleeding everywhere and having blood all over my freshly cleaned finger the doctor came in to sew me back together.

It didn't take very long to give me 3 stitches. Then he instructed me on the aftercare and said that someone would come bandage my finger. I thought bandage would mean some gauze and tape. Nope, bandage meant getting a band aid put on my finger. I was given the choice between regular and snoopy and I figured that since I'm probably going to be making a $300 copay I deserve the snoopy.

So here's snoopy. Not a good pic, but I'm right handed and I can't do anything with my left, including taking a decent picture.



And when I undo the band aid, here's my wonderful view. Warning: this is the picture of the stitches that I warned you about. Don't say you weren't warned. Personally, I'm morbid and this kind of thing doesn't bother me so I'm posting it. Hell, I even watched my finger get sewn up.



I don't know why my thumbnail is yellow. It isn't yellow in real life.

Luckily the doctor used the long acting lidocaine and my finger didn't wake me up from pain until about 5am. It has been hell today, and the tylenol and motrin are not working all that great.

My other blood story is my 6 year old daughter's story. We were out of milk so I stopped at the store and got a few things that would be easy to make until I'm healed enough to not be in constant pain. While we were at the checkout my daughter bit some plastic to open it (mom of the year award here) and started crying. She had been whining all day so I didn't think anything of it until I looked at her and her mouth was full of blood and it was starting to run down her chin. Fabulous. Turns out a tooth that wasn't very loose at all had caught on the plastic and had been ripped out. So we got to go into the public bathroom and clean up her mouth. Yum.

Oh, and the toothfairy is too hurt to go to the bank to leave her money under her pillow so she's going to be getting a bunch of pennies and nickles for her bank. It'll look like she got more money anyway than to have a paper bill. Just as long as the tooth fairy remembers anyway.

I also had a horrible time clothes shopping today but that will have to be another blog. Typing with only one pinkie while trying not to move your hand too much to keep the pain down is a little hard. So you'll just have to wait until it doesn't hurt so damn much. Besides, I have to go get into my bank and count a bunch of pennies.

Jake met his dad... well, his dad met him.

I took Jake to the doctor the other day and found out he has pneumonia. I've been fighting with child support, vital records, and the social security office on behalf of his dad, you can read about it in my other blogs.

So Carl (my younger two childrens' father) had his family and friends call me about getting the birth certificate in to social security so he could get his disability benefits. Long story short, I didn't get the amended birth certificate for my daughter, only the one where the father's name is left blank since he never signed her birth certificate. I told his friends and family that if he wanted to talk to me he could call me himself.

He did and was absolutely convinced that the social security office would take the birth certificate that I had. I told him that I had already asked if they would and they said no, he had to be listed as the father. But he didn't believe me so he asked if he could take it down there. If he wanted to waste his time that was fine by me. But I wasn't going to go out of my way so I made him meet up with me while I was getting Jake's nebulizer machine.

Let me back up a little bit. I have hearing problems from meningitis that I got a few years ago. I don't like talking on the phone because I usually have to ask people to repeat themselves. It makes work really fun. As far as I know Carl also prefers to text and since I was at work the night that he called texting was our best bet. When I told him that they wouldn't accept the birth certificate I had he got mad and sent me a text saying "sorry for bothering you."

After everything I had done to try to do this for him, that made me mad. So this is what I sent to him.

"In all honesty I know you don't give a shit about our kids. And even knowing that I was still willing to help and I did try. I did order the birth cert, I have made more phone calls to child support not only to get you added to the cert but to also stop the child support because I knew you weren't working. I called vital statistics over and over until I finally got an answer. I didn't have to do all that and I sure as hell didn't do it for the money but I did it because some small part of me will always hope that you will change your mind and want to at least know your kids. I've had a really horrible past few weeks so you will have to forgive me if I"m not jumping at the chance to please you. If they will take the cert I have you are more than welcome to it. That is all I'm going to say."

So anyway, when I was getting my son's nebulizer machine he met up with me. He took some pictures of the kids, Jake slept the whole time, and Leiya wanted nothing to do with him after she remembered that he used to come around but he stopped seeing her even though she cried for him.

I'm hoping that things will turn around, but I'm not expecting them to. He was supposed to meet with me yesterday to bring the birth certificate to me but said he was out of money for gas. Then today he sent me a text asking when I wanted to meet up and when I got back to him he said that he was out and couldn't meet up with me. Like I said, I'm not expecting things to change but I can hope. Expect the worst hope for the best right?

Pneumonia

So the cough that Jake has that I thought was either a cold or allergy related is actually pneumonia. The cough started before Thanksgiving and has gotten worse. This week he started to make noises when he was breathing and last night I could feel movement in his chest when he inhaled and exhaled. Last week I checked the website his doctor has up that is kind of to defer every patient with a cough from wanting to be seen. The website said they didn't want to see him until he had it for three weeks. I had a gut feeling that it was something that needed medical attention but I hate being the person who freaks out and rushes a child to the doctor for no obvious reason.

But this time around it was serious. So serious in fact that the doctor got out the machine that checks your oxygen level in the blood herself and ran the test herself instead of waiting for a nurse to come do it. Then she went and got a nebulizer and gave him some albuterol. Of course they could have had a slow day but it is rare that a pediatrician has nothing better to do during the cough and cold season.

So I was told that Jake has pneumonia and the rattling is because his airway is partially blocked and he needs medicine to help him breathe easier. I feel really bad but in my defense he never got a fever, and until yesterday he didn't even act sick. I guess he was a real bugger when I was at work. I had bronchitis a few years ago and that completely sucked so I don't know how he can be so freaking happy. As I type he is right beside me wiggling and laughing.

To add to my mother of the year award he decided that today would be the perfect day to learn how to roll from his back to his front. Now in any other situation this would have been joyous. But he picked the exact moment his doctor walked through the door to try to jump off the table.

My mom had readjusted the straps on his carseat sometime within the past week and I noticed that they didn't get threaded through a section that they should have. It was a very quick and easy fix so I thought that I would do it while we were waiting for the doctor. Jake was on the exam table and I was in a chair right in front of him and I had almost finished with the carseat when the door started to open and he rolled over. Since the table is all bumpy it wasn't a smooth roll. I suppose if I hadn't been there he wouldn't have fallen on the floor but still. And I WAS right there.

So then they brought in his first neb treatment. They told me that he would probably fight it so I should hold him down on my lap. For those of you (like me before today) who aren't familiar with a nebulizer, there's a little mask (or if it is for an adult it is a tube that looks like an extra long inhaler spacer) that is connected to a round chamber where the medicine sits. Then there is a long tube that connects the medicine chamber to the nebulizer machine which blows air out. Through the magic of medicine the air blowing through the medicine chamber creates what I have been calling a mist that is pushed out of the mask. My son wears the mask and breathes normally, inhaling the albuterol. Most babies don't like thinks over their face.

So I expected him to fight it and he did for about 10 seconds. When he discovered that he could still breathe he was just fine and happy that he got to sit in Mommy's lap. He's had 2 more treatments since then and didn't fight it at all. I hope that isn't a sign that he's tortured too much by his older sisters.

So he's not quite as noisy when he's breathing but I can still tell he's sick. I don't know if he's contagious and my brother starts his chemo on Friday so I think it is best if we stay away for now. My brother had a stint put in today and some bone marrow extracted to test just in case. Also, my Aunt was admitted to the hospital yesterday after having a stroke. We're hopeful that she'll make a full recovery.

To add to all this, Jake met his dad for the first time today. It is a long story and I am tired so you'll just have to wait until I have time to relive that *wondrous* experience. Truthfully it wasn't so bad, more awkward than anything. And he's supposed to call sometime tomorrow so we'll see.

This week has just completely sucked. My daughter's birthday is Sunday, which is the start of a new week and next week better be freaking awesome to make up for this weeks suckiness.

Holy bad news Batman!

Wow, these past few weeks have been hard on me. My brother has been waiting for a few weeks to get test results back from the doctor on whether or not he has cancer. The tests came back and yes he does have it and he starts his treatment Friday.

Then on Dec 1st a neighbor of mine, Marv died. He was older, but he was an awesome guy. He's lived down the street since I was 10. He lost his wife a few years ago but he just kept on going. He was diagnosed with cancer and I'm not sure if that is why he died, but they do know he passed away in his sleep.

On his porch he has a life size Dalmatian statue that my girls would go up and pet every time we walked by. He never once said anything to them about it. I was raised that you keep off people's property unless invited and I always told my girls that wasn't their property but he was not bothered at all that they wanted to pet his dog. He would sit outside in the summer and I think he actually liked that they would come talk to him and see his dog.

Almost 3 years ago I got meningitis. I was in the hospital for a while and was released the day before my oldest daughter's 5th birthday. I was still feeling horrible, I couldn't get out of bed, I couldn't eat. If I hadn't done her birthday shopping early she wouldn't have gotten anything. I barely had energy to watch her open her presents and blow out her candles. I knew she wanted me to spend her birthday with her and I hated myself because I couldn't. My parents had gotten her a bike for her birthday so they took her for a bike ride so she wouldn't have to be sad about me being sick. When they got to Marv's house she told him that it was her birthday and she got her new bike. He pulled out $5 and told her happy birthday. She was so excited about it that they didn't finish her bike ride, she had to come home and tell me.

Of course by this time in her life she was used to her dad not coming around or calling on her birthday and I think having two parents out on her birthday was a little hard. But that $5 really made her day, it really made her happy on her birthday when I couldn't and her own dad wouldn't.

When it snowed he got his snow blower out and used it on the whole street and in the driveways of the people he knew well. When he got too sick to do it he called his son over to do it for him. He was always happy even though you could tell he wasn't doing well. I'm glad that he is not suffering anymore but I'm sad to see him go.

So now I'm worrying about my brother. He's going in for surgery on Wednesday and to test his bone marrow. Then Friday he has his first treatment. My daughter's birthday is on Sunday but I don't think he'll feel up to coming over.

And today my Aunt was admitted to the hospital for severe vertigo and headache. They think they know what is wrong but they're doing more tests in the morning.

So please keep him and my aunt in your thoughts and prayers.

Black Friday

It is 2:30 am and I am just getting in bed. It could be worse I guess but it sure could have been a lot better. This year I decided to check out blackfriday.com early to see if there were going to be any sales I needed to save for. The only one that I really wanted to get was at Walmart and it was for the Toy Story 3 dolls they had on sale for $12, regular price $25. I asked two people if I were to buy them before black Friday if I could bring them back and then get the sale price for them. I asked 2 different people because I wanted to make sure that I had the right answer, both were yes as long as I bought them less than a week before the add.

So with the help of my mom and 2 Walmarts I got a complete set of Jesse, Woody, and Buz and saved the receipt and had them ready to go back sometime Friday since the sale price was an all day thing starting at midnight. Then I got the actual paper add for Walmart today and saw that the True Blood season 1 was going to be on sale for $12. I was so happy because I bought it when it first came out, got a great deal on it for $30 (regular was $50 at the time, $40 now) but one of the discs came up missing and I'm pretty sure I know what happened to it. Anyway, I had this great idea that I could go to Walmart at 10pm and pick up what I wanted and just wait until midnight to buy everything. And my plan would have worked except for some misinformation... Yeah, we'll call it misinformation.

First I went to electronics and picked up the last 2 copies of True Blood (one is a gift) and then I hit toys because my kids have decided they want some Zhu Zhu pets. There were plenty there but only 2 styles which were already purchased for Christmas. Then I found one that was pink and another that was purple. Awesome, so I put them in my cart. Then I went to look for the DS games that they had on sale for $9. The only one I could find was the one that was for the Zhu Zhu pets.. for $9 I could get it even though I think those things are so fugly. Anyway, I headed over to the toys and saw they had a bunch of Woody and Buz dolls. I figured I might as well get a few more since they were there and it would hopefully help the fighting over the ones I already got.

So I had them in my cart, I was done shopping and I was heading up to the front of the store to sit on a bench until midnight when I could get the sale prices... but one of the employees guarding a stack of toys to keep people from getting it too early told me that the dolls that were on the shelf were not the ones that would be on sale. The ones that were going to be on sale were a special doll, different packaging and they would NOT match the price from the black Friday doll for the one they have in store. Now since I'm an employee I know that they special order things in for black Friday sales, like the PJs and the storage containers, and a LOT of other things that are on sale that they don't usually carry on a daily basis. So I thought the dolls would be a special just for walmart set of dolls.

So I'm thinking damn, the dolls I have at home I won't be able to get the special price for so since I'm waiting I might as well get 2 full sets. Against my better judgement I put the dolls I had already picked out back on the shelf and went and found the pile of dolls that were wrapped all up in saran wrap. If I had been smart I would have taken them with me and compared them, but there was already a line waiting for some things and people were getting yelled at just for trying to look through the wrap at the product. So at 10:30 I stood in front of the Toy Story 3 dolls and waited. And waited. And waited. Employees were guarding to make sure we didn't open it before midnight and then about 10 minutes or so before midnight someone came up and was holding a Buz doll from the shelf that I had put mine back onto. The employees almost attacked her telling her she couldn't have it yet when she told them she got it off the shelf. I told them that I was told that they weren't the same... So the gal Tammy who was guarding the toys in my area checked and sure enough they were the same damn thing. I was so peeved it wasn't funny. I do have to say that after explaining what had happened Tammy went back to the shelf to see if there were any more left. There were only 2 Buz dolls and I figured I had waited over an hour I wasn't going to give up now.

So then they came back and said that we couldn't have the shopping carts with us, that we could only buy what we could hold. So I was pretty pissed because I already had things in my shopping cart. But luckily I had worn a sweater with a big pocket in the front. I put the 2 True Bloods in there with the ds game and stuck the Zhu Zhu pets up my sleeves. That way I had my hands free, also I had went from wanting 2 sets to only wanting 1. So then midnight came and they were cutting the wrapping off the toys that were 4 layers high. I knew that the 2 rows by me were all Buz, and the 2 rows further away were Jesse with 2 Woodys at the end. I also knew that there were Woodys on the end of all 4 layers. So when people started shoving at me from behind I grabbed 2 of the Buz toys (I only wanted one but they were back to back and that is just the way it happened) I tried for an upper level Woody but they got taken out of my hand. So I grabbed a Jesse and went for a Woody from the lower level. As soon as I had all 3 I backed up as fast as I could. I checked to make sure that I did have the right ones and looked back up and the people on the other side had shoved Tammy who had been cutting the wrap, into the pile and a bunch of management were shoving people aside to save her. I was lucky that my side weren't quite as aggressive up front, only the people in the back. So I hid down a side isle and got a cart to put my things in. Then I went back over and put the extra Buz back.

Then I went to get in line. The lines were clear to the back of the store. So I walked around for about 10 minutes, went over to check out the movies they had for $2 and they were a little better so I got in one of the huge lines. As we went through the store the line took me right by the PJs that were on sale, and there were different movies from the big sale shoved everywhere, like someone took a huge cart full and then picked through them. So just by being in line I got almost everything that I wanted to get but didn't want to waste time getting. Then there was a picture frame that I was looking at just sitting there, so I put it in my cart. When I was finally close to the register there were more and more piles of movies for me to go through. I was talking to the lady behind me and she was asking about the different movies and I told her that the one that I really wanted was the 3 Lord of the Rings movies because they were on sale for $2 each but I didn't want to loose my place in line. The guy in front of me told me that he knew where a whole bunch of them were and if I would hold onto his pillows and movies that he was buying (he didn't have a cart) he would get them for me. So about a minute later I had all but 1 thing that I really wanted.

So then it was finally my turn to put my things on the belt after over an hour in line. As I finish putting my things up I looked at one of the registers that didn't have anyone working on it and saw the last thing I wanted. It was a waffle maker for $9, the kind that you flip to cook. I was so freaking happy that I ran over and grabbed it. Then as I was rang up I found out that the Zhu Zhu pets that I picked up were NOT part of the add... but they were too ugly for $9 so I had her take them off.

I paid for my things and now here I am at almost 3am still venting because I could have been home a lot sooner. I wouldn't have everything else so it is kind of bittersweet. I guess I won't complain too much because I'm going to sleep in my nice warm bed until my kids wake me up while so many people are camping out in tents at stores waiting until 5am. And on the way home my van said it was only 15 degrees outside, and that is Fahrenheit.

I am done with my shopping for the year with the exception of 2 things that I have to buy online. Now I've just got to wrap it all up.

I hate the child support office sometimes

When I was pregnant with my youngest daughter I told her father that if he abandoned me while I was pregnant I would go after him for child support. I guess he either didn't believe me or didn't care but he left and I didn't hear from him for a long time. So as soon as I was recovered from my csection enough I went and applied to open a child support case against him. I expected to get a call or something but a few months went by and I didn't hear anything. So I went back down to the office to ask them about the status of it. They had no record of it. So I filled out another application. Every few months I would go down and they wouldn't have a record of my last visit. Finally after almost a year I demanded that I spoke with a supervisor. After a lot of people telling me that I couldn't possibly talk to a supervisor I finally got one. By that time I was completely pissed off and almost yelling. I had been in 7 times, turned in 7 applications and nobody knew who's ass they got shoved into. The supervisor told me that he couldn't possibly help me but I could fill out yet another application. When I asked how I could be sure that somebody would do something he told me to sign up for all the benefits health and welfare had to offer. So I filled out my 8th application along with an application for food stamps, cash assistance, day care, and everything else that I possibly could. A few weeks go buy and they send me another application in the mail telling me that since I was eligible for a few things I applied for that I had to fill out an application for child support. At this point I wanted to scream because it must be too damn hard for people to actually do their job. What the hell are these state employees getting paid to do since they won't even do what is in their job description?! So I filled out my 9th application and turned it in. I got a call the next day saying I had to fill out an application but have it notarized since they had recently changed the process. So I filled out my 10th application, had it notarized and threatened to cause a huge scene if I had to fill out one more damn application.

So a month later a lawyer for the state contacted me and said that they were going to get a court order for a dna test because Carl was saying that he didn't think my daughter was his. The lawyer told me this process usually takes about 6 months. Great, just effing great. Then two weeks later I got a letter saying that I had to be at the collection site 4 days from when I got the letter. They gave me FOUR days notice. It was a good thing I was able to switch my shifts or I would have been screwed. So I waited and waited and waited. The test was done in April when My daughter was almost a year and a half old. Finally in July I called the lawyer and asked if they had the results back. Of course they had them back in April but child support hadn't gotten around to notifying me. The next day I got my first child support payment. They told me that they would order back child support from the day that I applied. I thought they meant from the first application, but no, it was only for the last.

So I thought we were done playing, I hoped we were done playing because they wouldn't play fair. Not so much. Carl became disabled this summer and now qualifies for SSI. Because my daughter is his dependant he listed her in hopes of him getting more SSI. Since she lives with me the money will be coming to me. I had a lady from SSI send me a form and I needed to send that with a copy of her birth certificate with Carl added as her father from the DNA test. So I got the form, filled it out, sent in my money and got her birth certificate yesterday.... And he was not listed as her father. I called the vital statistics office and they said they never received what they needed from child support. So I called child support and explained what had happened and the gal said no problem, she would have the lady in charge of that forward the dna test and whatever else they needed to get him added to the birth certificate.

Today while I was at work this gal called and said that she got an email and there wasn't enough information on it to know what she needed to do to help me but I should have a nice day. Nothing about me calling her back to clear it up, nothing except she just couldn't help but she hoped I had a nice day. So I called child support and explained again what was going on. They told me that vital statistics had to add him. So I called vital statistics and they said they couldn't do anything at all until they got the paperwork from child support. I called child support again and they tried to tell me that they couldn't help me, only vital statistics could. The lady kind of got an attitude with me so I got enough of an attitude with her that she put me on hold to look into it. After about five minutes on hold she finally came back. She said that in order to add him to the birth certificate there had to be specific wording in the dna court order to add him. And there was they just never did their job and sent it over. For some reason since it has been so long they have to go through the court again to have the judge order him to be added to her birth certificate before they can send the information over. Then I have to wait for vital statistics to update their information before I fill out another form and send more money in.

The gal told me that it would be about 2 weeks and then it takes about a week to get the birth certificate back after it is ordered. I kind of started to feel bad because Carl can't get his benefits until I get her birth certificate turned in. The whole application is on hold waiting for me. Then I decided that I wouldn't feel bad or guilty because it is not my problem that he wasn't there to sign her birth certificate in the first place. If he had been I wouldn't be going through this whole thing so he can just wait. Not my problem he can't be a man.

Regret

Regret is something that everyone experiences, some more than others. Sometimes it is something small like the choice you made in what shoes you wore. Sometimes it is huge, a life altering event that leads to something major like the creation or destruction of life.

Through our choices in our life we develop who we are. We learn from our mistakes, giving us the choice to avoid or repeat them in the future. These experiences makes us who we are as a person. Everyone has regret but in the end it is both the negative and positive experiences that give us our outlook on life and forms our personality.

I have plenty of regret. Would I go back and do any of it over again? No, I don't want to. Even changing just one small thing, one second of an experience could alter my life. The butterfly effect. I love my life and don't want to change my past. Do I wish things were different in some aspects of my life? Of course I do but that is why I'm going to use the future to change it.

Over the past year and a half I made some bad choices that I thought were good for my family at the time. These choices helped make a little clearer the difference between being used and helping someone. My choices broke my daughter's heart after she got to know her dad and then he left. Overall though, I'm glad this happened when she was young because I think it would be harder to accept the fact that for over six months her dad worked to get to know her and gain her trust but in the end he still doesn't want her. It also answered my questions that I had. I always wondered if he would show up later in her life and decide that she is good enough for him to want to be her dad. Him walking out of her life proved to me the same thing I learned when I got divorced. She's too good for him. I refuse to raise her thinking it is okay to run from your responsibilities.

Two great things came out of everything and those two things outweigh any of the loss I had over the past year and a half. First, I learned that I really do want to buy a house. Form now on it won't be just talk, it won't be just a dream that someday might come true. It is a goal that I will be working for. And the greatest thing is my son. I know he was meant to be because just a few weeks before I got pregnant I tried to break up with his dad for that very reason. I wasn't sure if I wanted more, I know he didn't but I wanted to keep my options open. He lied and said things that I believed and I ended up with my son. All the pain and heartbreak I felt when I discovered all his lies is pale in comparison to the love I have for my kids. That is the greatest feeling in the world, love. So when I start to think of the bad things and start feeling regret, I replace it with thoughts of my kids and my love for them.