Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Decisions decisions

So many decisions to think through.

Isn't it funny how your life can be so wonderful but completely suck at the same time? Very confusing.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Jake's first birthday

 So today my little man turned one. It was a very bittersweet day. He's my last baby so it will be the last first birthday I celebrate. I wasn't going to do a party but then decided that he will only ever turn one once and I don't want to miss celebrating my last first birthday.

We started out with a picnic and a trip to the zoo. My mom has been watching my two nieces while my sister and brother in law are on vacation. At the beginning of the week she told me that she probably wouldn't go with me because my nieces are only 2 and 8 months old and probably wouldn't have any fun. So since she said that she wasn't going I invited Jake's dad, Carl. There were a few other people that said that they would meet up with us at the zoo, but only one other person did. When I was getting ready to leave today I mentioned to my 4 year old that her dad would be joining us because I had talked to him that morning and he said he would come. For whatever reason, my mom decided to tell me that since Carl was going that she wasn't going because she couldn't be nice to him.

I get it, what he did was pretty crappy. I feel stupid and crappy for falling for it TWICE, but you can't change the past, only learn from it. I've been trying to move on with my life. It is hard because it was like he was two different people. One part of me will always love the wonderful guy I know he can be if he wants to. But my brain tells me that he doesn't want to be the nice guy unless he gets something out of it. And it is sad because he was the one guy that made me truly happy when we were together because he didn't treat me like I was there to serve him. I think that is why it hurt so much when he told me he didn't want to be with me anymore. Yeah, we've had our problems in the past and I'm sure we've both done things that we regret but it isn't about me or him anymore. It is about two kids that didn't choose to be here. He can be an amazing dad if he wants to be and I'm not going to let my feelings push him away because that only hurts my kids. I don't know why but the past month he's been more involved. He hasn't seen them as much as I'd like but he does ask about them. And unless I know that he's going to be harmful to them I'm not going to keep them away from him. He is a good influence on them and there's nothing wrong with them having their father in their life.

Anyway, we were at the zoo for 4 hours, 2 of which Jake slept. But the girls had a lot of fun and my 4 year old had some really good bonding time with her dad. I gave them as much room as she wanted me to and they had a great time. Of course Jake woke up when it was time to leave. We got home just in time for the BBQ. I had two families cancel at the last minute so I have a lot of extra food but that's okay because it will cut down on my grocery bill this month. I got the feeling that my mom didn't want me to have a BBQ, I wasn't even sure if she would be there. But she was and she had to make her comments about how I took the wrong week off for vacation (my dad has NEXT week off but I took this week off after calling her and asking her while I was at work on the last day I could request it off). As I was standing in the kitchen listening to my mom complain that I was the reason that my parents never got to do anything, the pirate ship cake I was making started falling apart. I did two test cakes, the first one sucked, but the second one was awesome. I don't know what was up with the cake today but luckily I planned on making extra in case something happened because 2 of the cakes didn't come out of the pan right. But I was able to somewhat fix the cake, and all but 3 pieces were eaten.

Just as I was getting tempted to take my broken cake and run away my brother and his girlfriend showed up. My mom won't talk about personal business with my brother's girlfriend around so it saved me. Then some friends from high school came with their kids, and my aunt brought her new baby and it was fun. I ended up having a really good time despite everything. My sister showed up after she got off work which was really cool. I wish I would have taken more pictures but at the zoo my camera got really heavy and I just couldn't carry it around much and at the party I was busy "hosting" so I didn't get as many pictures as I wanted. And Jake wasn't interested in making a big mess with the cake so I didn't get any of those pictures. If it isn't windy tomorrow I'm going to do his cake smash in the afternoon. If not it'll have to wait until Saturday. 

I can't believe my little man is one! And a big thanks goes out to my dad for cooking the meat for me!