But sometimes I use it. I try not to, I try to be a good person. I don't even speed because it is breaking the law. I come to complete stops, I don't turn on red when the sign says you can't. I do what I can to help people who need it.
But sometimes with certain people the anger I have toward them comes out in the form of hatred. Not often do I waste my time thinking about my exhusband, but sometimes I just get a slap in the face. My kids think of him more often than I do. And it breaks my heart to hear them say that they wish he was a better dad, or they wish they had a different dad. I wish that I was enough so they don't need a dad.
During one of my sleepless nights a few weeks ago I was bored and looking up random people I went to high school with. I found out a few of them had died, most of them are married with kids. So that got me thinking about when I got married. And for some silly reason I decided to look up my exhusband on Facebook. I had done it once a long time ago to see if he was on facebook because I wanted to block him so he couldn't find me. But he didn't get an account until a few months ago.
I was bored so I decided to look at his information. While I'm happy he's gotten really fat, he listed himself as having three kids. And he's not married. He's been telling me for almost 2 years now that he's remarried. But both him and his girlfriend who got an account when he did list themselves as engaged. I don't really give a shit if he's married, what makes me mad is that he will list his step kids as being his, but not his biological kids.
And that is the slap in the face that made the hatred surface.