I wrote this about 3 weeks ago and due to computer problems I'm just now posting it.
A lot has happened in the year I haven't been here. I don't even know where to start. Except I'm single again, long story, more drama so I'll skip the details. The kids are all bigger. All three of my girls are in school now since my youngest daughter started kindergarten. My oldest is impatient to be a teenager. I'm not quite sure why, but she wants to be older. I told her I wish I was younger.
Last year I decided it was time for a new me. After my son was born it only took two weeks to lose my pregnancy weight with him. There were complications, I had to be on bedrest for quit a while so I gained it all back and then some. It got to be where I was completely uncomfortable, I was starting to worry about seats in public places and not being able to fit into them. So I made a goal to lose 103 pounds. Long story short I went through several scales and in the end I changed my goal to 143 pounds to be at an ideal weight. Sitting here I'm thinking, "Holy crap! 143 pounds, there are some adults that weigh LESS than that!" But yes, 143 and I will be in the healthy zone for my height. I started my journey Nov 2011. Here it is almost a year later... I've lost 66 pounds. I have 77 to go, 5.5 more pounds and I will be half way there.
There have been times over the past year that I've wanted to give up. A few days I DID give up. I would get hard on myself, I would think that I have so much more to go, what's the point? Then I would see how far I've come. I'm not willing to give up all my hard work because the road ahead is still long. During my physical transformation something happened that I didn't expect. I've learned to love myself again. I didn't realize how depressed I was and how much I still blamed myself for everything that goes wrong until I had a reason to be proud of myself. It has been a long time since I could say I love me. It is scary. To people who have never been beaten down mentally it is something that is very hard to understand. When you're told everyday that you're worthless and ugly you start to believe it. It is easier to believe the bad about yourself than the good. No matter how many people tell me positive things about me, I always wonder if they're just trying to be nice or if they want something. I don't agree with them. I don't know how to act when someone gives me a compliment anymore. I'm not used to them, I'm not good with positive.
Although my self esteem has decided to come out of hiding, it is still very shy. It doesn't take much for me to slip back into the negative feelings about myself. It is a daily struggle to keep my itty bitty speck of confidence. But I'm getting stronger. I still have bad days, but not too long ago I noticed the good days have outnumbered the bad.
The end of this journey is still quite a ways ahead, but I can see the end. A year ago today I wasn't even thinking about my 30th birthday, today I'm making plans to lose my other 77 pounds by then. Honestly it will take a lot of hard work and I'm not sure if I'll make it, but it'll be darn close. Now that I'm in better shape and I have more endurance I think I'll be able to start doing harder workouts, and perhaps adding more to it and maybe see bigger results. If not that's okay too because I know I will get there one day.