Monday, October 4, 2010

Stress

I got some very disturbing news yesterday. For personal reasons I can't go into the details but I can say that it has caused me a lot of stress. I stayed up until 3am because I was doing research and because the stress kept me up. I'm not sure which was the leading factor for my insomnia, but I paid for it today. I didn't get up until after 8 and the kids were late for school. Not by much, but this was the first tardy for them this year. I'm proud of them though, since they were late almost every day last year.

I was a zombie at work. Luckily I wasn't in charge of actually filling prescriptions, just taking them. Also lucky for me the pharmacists are pretty good about catching the mistakes I do make. It is funny though, I didn't make very many mistakes today, or at least wasn't aware of many. On the days that I do concentrate I make way more. Perhaps I over think things too much, I have a tendency to do that. I need to learn to just follow my gut. Like with my pictures. My best shots haven't been planned. I just want to play around with my camera settings and see what else I can learn and end up getting a great natural shot.

My heart is torn in two separate ways. On one hand I want to believe that people change. I want to believe like Anne Frank did, that there is a little bit of good in everyone. But actions speak louder than words. Years have gone by with little or no change so why should now be any different? I know there are ulterior motives in place, and what should be the obvious motive is nonexistent. Working with the public has proved me wrong time and time again about what I thought about the human race. The majority of people lie on a daily basis, and usually over something that is small, something that doesn't matter in the big picture. Maybe they've been doing it their whole life so they can't tell the difference between the truth and a lie.

In all reality I AM hoping for a change. I've been hoping for a change for the past seven years. Eight if you count the time I was pregnant. The fact of the matter is that I haven't seen it. There were a few times that it was close, but the change just didn't come. I wish someone could tell me what to do. I want what is best for my kids but I worry if my own personal feelings don't get in the way of my decision. I ask my kids how they feel but in reality is the opinion of a 6 and 7 year old the best to be taking? I'm not saying their feelings are not important or I don't care, but I remember when I was that age and I hated some of the things my parents did but it turned out to be some of the best things for me. I just don't want them hurt anymore.

Sometimes I feel like I've failed my kids. I want what is best for them, but studies have shown that what is best for them is a mom AND a dad, and because of poor choices on both sides I can only give them one. I could point fingers and blame everything on either one of my exes but the truth of the matter is that I had a choice in it all too. I mad bad choices at to who should be the father of my children. I think they deserve better than what I can give them but I know for a fact that no one can love my kids as much as I do. Everything I do revolves around them. When I'm at work I think about them, I go to work so I can provide them what they need. I would love to go back to school, my dream is to be a cardiologist but at this point I don't have the means to make my dream come true. Perhaps I never will and that is okay because that just means I gave up my dreams to be with my kids. I would do it again in a heartbeat. But I'm afraid that I'll never find anyone good enough to be their dad who is willing to take on 4 kids. A lot of guys don't even want to take care of their own kids much less someone elses kids.

It is times like these that it would be nice to have someone tell me to stop worrying and that they will make everything okay for me. Just to have someone to share the stress, someone to be in charge of things for even an hour so I can let it all go. Hell even a hug would be a great improvement!

But until then I will stay strong. I always have before. It is true that you don't know how strong you can be until strong is your only option. I've surprised myself before, I'm sure I can do it again. It isn't like stress is something new to me, I just try not to let it get to me.

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